...because they have ass-raped my childhood.
They showed up at my house with a scary movie, a six-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade, chocolate covered cherries from Walgreens, and some lube.
Where were you, Chris Hansen, to step out from the kitchen and ask them why they had their pants off in my living room?
Why weren't you there to read copies of their script treatments back to them, to shame them with their own words?
After the six-year-long slap in the face that was the Star Wars prequels, along with the completely unnecessary re-tooling of E.T. a few years back, I was REALLY hoping that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would be good. It's the last piece of my childhood that's still untainted.
I really gave it a shot. I've always been an Indy fan since my parents took me to see Raiders on my eighth birthday. Harrison Ford has been something of a role model for me. I've been sayin' for years that Harrison Ford hasn't made a good film since The Fugitive, and...it's still true.
I don't wanna spoil anything for you, but at the same time, I don't want you to ACTUALLY SEE it anyway. Let's just say that the plot is a mess, the characters are completely empty and pointless, and the Skull in question gets more laughs than it does oohs and ahs. I really want to say more about it, but if I spoil it, I'd catch a bunch of flak, so let's just say this: The premise? Stargate did it way better.
By all means, if you enjoy scenes of Shia LeBeouf swinging on vines, leading an army of CGI monkeys to defeat the Russians, don't let me stop you from seeing this film.
If I ever see thirty straight seconds of Shia LeBeouf getting smacked in the nuts with tree branches again, it had better REALLY BE HAPPENING.
Peace, love, and really huge fake ants,
Tyler Jackson
R.I.P.
My Inner Child
1973-2008
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